Helping Children Through Grief

What are the key differences in how children grieve at different developmental stages (toddler, elementary, teen)?

Even though babies don’t have the ability to understand the concept of loss, they do feel the absence of people in their lives
They notice when familiar routines and voices disappear from their daily lives

Young children in this age group often believe that death is temporary
They may ask when their loved one is coming back, which can be extremely hard for their family to hear repeatedly

Children in elementary and middle school begin to understand that death is permanent and will eventually happen to everyone
Realizing death is inevitable can bring intense fear and anxiety about their own safety and the safety of their loved ones
Children who have lost a loved one show higher rates of functional impairments than nonbereaved children across all time points

Asking the same questions repeatedly about where their loved one wentExpressing grief through play rather than words
Regression in behaviors such as speech
Increased tantrums or emotional outbursts
Thinking that their thoughts or actions caused the death

Maintain consistent routines as much as possible
Provide extra physical comfort (holding, rocking, soothing, etc.)
Keep familiar objects and rituals that their loved one used, (special blanket, bedtime song, etc.)

Use simple, clear words like “died” instead of euphemisms like “lost” or “passed away”
Answer their questions honestly at their level
Reassure them that they did nothing to cause the death
Allow them to express their grief through play and drawing

School-Age Children (6-12)

Encourage questions and provide detailed, honest answers
Include them in memorial activities if they want to participate
Notify their school so teachers and staff can provide extra support
Reassure them often that they are safe and loved
Consider connecting with a therapist who specializes in grief to help them process complex emotions

Use direct language when talking about death
Avoid phrases like “we lost Mom” or “Dad is sleeping” which can be frightening to children
Maintain routines
Predictable schedules can help children feel safe
Keep bedtimes, mealtimes, and school routines as consistent as possible
Keep memories alive
Talk about their loved one who died
Share stories
Look at photos together
Children need permission to remember and keep their memory alive in their hearts
Understand that grief evolves

Developed by the New York Life Foundation, there is a series of children’s books and short films (narrated by Maya Rudolph) helps the youth navigate loss and open up conversations about grief
National Alliance for Children’s Grief – Search for child bereavement across the United States
The Dougy Center – Educational resources and support for children
Bo’s Place – Peer support programs and grief education
Eluna Network – Grief camps, family programs, and online resources
New York Life – An online resource for bereaved families and those who want to support them

Hands Holding Hearts (Newtown) – A community-based nonprofit offering specialized grief counseling, peer support groups, and therapy for families and children ages 3+
Most school districts in Pennsylvania employ licensed school counselors that can monitor a child’s emotional progress in the midst of grief